my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
