I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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