There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
