things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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