I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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