Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
