Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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