I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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