You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
