Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
