I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sober January is a disaster.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
