I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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