Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
