Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
