I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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