it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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