I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
