i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
