i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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