really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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