I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
