Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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