who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
