these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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