wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
