My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
