She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
