Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
