He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I could fuck to npr.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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