Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
