is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
