my soul wont recognize me after tonight
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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