you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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