I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
