I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
