she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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