He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
