I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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