I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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