I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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