If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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