Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
