Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
