I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
