I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
