dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
