dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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