God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We need a shit load of segways right now
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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