this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
