You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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